My time to have that brush with the big L-word. Love. That moment you realize that everything is turning upside down, and yet somehow you remain happy, content, peaceful. I have a perfectly arranged life. I work, a lot. I dance, a lot. I maintain my relationships with friends. When I need intimacy (about ommce a month), I find it. Always with a different person. Never more than once. Always confident. Never vulnerable. Always with my boundaries up.
And then something goes awry. A connection. A possibility. Perhaps, even an addiction. A mystery. It captivates, it inspires, it floods the mind and body. Makes me feel invincible. It brought me through one of the most challenging months, with a smile. With a smile. That smile that comes whenever thoguhts touch that person. That magic. Magic that is known only to you and them, magic that everybody can sympathize with, but one that only the two of you can experience.
And then - awakening. A rude interruption of real life. Of real challenges. A stray word. An unanswered text. A night that doesn’t go as you hoped it would. A boundary you hoped to never cross. And that feeling, that magic is over. That the IV-line of endless happiness was taken away. Not terminal. A hangover. A low after a high.
You like or love someone when you like yourself when you are with them. - Said Natasha Lunn in her book. I feel this is the key. The high erases you. It is hard to be an addict, and build a life you want at the same time. To remain the version of you that you like. So is it natural that magic breaks? Inevitable. But it is never gone. It remains with me as memory. Of a perfect night. Of a touch. Of a kiss. Of that long laugh. It is never gone.
Keep your feet well planted. And then the life continues. With or without that person. I’d prefer with. But only time will tell.