I know her one month. Just one month, and now I am in bed, not fighting for sleep anymore. Instead - feeling like I’m dying. Like, in fact, a death would be preferable because then I won’t have to hurt like this. What is this pain, why is it so intense? It’s been just one month, after all.
She gave me the feeling of being loved. For the first time in years I felt lovable, attractive, worthy. Does it mean, if (at this point hypothetically) it all falls to pieces, does it mean that I am unlovable? Does it prove the point I was making for the last few years?
While this question does make me feel better, I don’t think it is the whole truth. Why do I even want this? Why her? If I dig enough I’ll find quite a few “issues” with her. My life would be simpler without her. It would be no less eventful. I made my life what it is now. I fought hard for it, fighting still. My body, my mind, things that make up my days and weeks. I spent only five nights with her, and everything is upside down. This isn’t right.
If it’s the need, what do I need? If it’s the pain, what hurts most? Can I just be me tomorrow, despite, no - wait - together with this? If (hypothetically) it’s gone, it was beautiful. It was worth living. The pain is worth it. This pain is worth it. Is it the ambiguity? Being at the mercy of another human being, that is entirely not under my control? Letting them decide whether to text me, or not? Think. I can only gain, compared to them disappearing into thin air. Yet the pain is still there. Less now. Good.
What if it all works out. What if we continue seeing each other? I think I know what this pain is. It’s fear. Of having to endure it every day, every minute of every day. This is my ghost of the past. Living with a person who is present, as a piece of matter. But who is somewhere else entirely in their mind. A person who wishes they weren’t here. Who wishes they made a different choice. Haven’t made that mistake. Someone who despises you, hates you. Maybe. For what you’ve done to them. Because it was all you. You made them stay. And you were too weak to let them go when there was a chance. You are too weak to let them go now. Let them be them, without you. Let them be happy, without you. Let them be.
Why do I feel a familiar sensation of resentment? Is my love too much? Too intense? Am I too much?
You have so much to give, she said. And if they can’t receive it, and if they can’t give back to you, it’s not on you, it’s on them. I have so much to give. I just need to find someone who’s willing to take it all. Maybe I did. I’ll know soon enough. She’s not my nightmare. She’s not a ghost. She’s a new person in my life, and I decide who I keep in my life.